Talking to your children about sex

Probably no question is more dreaded by parents as "Where do babies come from?" Chances are, your child is not looking for complete anatomical details, but an age appropriate answer is needed. There are no simple guidelines as how to answer the question or what is appropriate for an individual child. Being prepared for the inevitable questions about sex can help parents establish good communication with their children.

My first piece of advice is to talk often and early with your children. Don’t rely on the old-fashioned "birds and the bees" talk when your children reach adolescence. By that time they probably know more than you think and are not particularly receptive to lectures. Give your children age appropriate information. Use the correct terms for both male and female genitals. Make sure even your young children are aware of abusive behavior. Talk about inappropriate touching and private areas of their body. Make sure they know they can always come to you if anyone is touching them inappropriately.

As they get older they will ask where babies come from. Young children think in concrete terms so you can answer that way. "Babies come from Mommy’s tummy" is a perfectly good answer. How do they get out? They come through your vagina. Does it hurt? Yes. Answer their questions, but don’t feel that you have to go into extensive detail with young children.

As children approach puberty it is important for them to understand what will happen to their bodies. Discuss breast development and pubic hair. Talk about menstruation and pads and tampons. Let them understand that there is a wide range of what is "normal." Teach them good health and hygiene habits.

Discuss all aspects of sexuality with your adolescents. Talk about abstinence, contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. Talk about sexual feelings and emotions. When confronted with questions about sex answer honestly. Would you rather your children get their information from you or from their friends and the entertainment industry? If you don’t know the answer, say so and then use the opportunity to research the answer with your child. Teach your children how to say "no." During adolescence role-playing is an effective educational tool. For example: What would you say if your friends want you to ……….." Make sure your children know they can always talk to you about anything that is bothering them.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking about sexuality you are not alone! It is ok to say to your children "this is uncomfortable for me to talk about." You can enlist the aid of your child’s physician in giving you and/or your child information. There are many books available for all ages. You can give these to your children or read them together. I highly recommend looking at the Internet site www.talkingwithkids.org. This has excellent advice about talking to kids about sensitive subjects.

You can use movies or television shows as starting points about a particular topic. Ask open-ended questions. Talking in the car is very effective for many parents. You have a captive audience and it is the one place it is acceptable to carry on a conversation without having to make eye contact!

Listen to your children, answer their questions and be prepared to discuss sexual topics. Talk about responsibility, consequences and making decisions. Help them understand that behavior depicted in movies or on television is not necessarily the norm. Being a parent is challenging but open lines of communication will help you navigate the often-difficult road to adulthood.